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Bar Exam stuff
Jan. 21st, 2010 03:19 pmI'm supposed to be studying for the bar exam but I keep being interrupted by flashbacks and memories from the last time. I'm plugging away, sort of, but I'm just not as motivated as I was the last time. Of course, there are several reasons for that. First, the last one cost me over $3K, mostly because I took a bar review course. I think for this one, I'm up to maybe $800. Five years ago, Joe was deployed, Ellie was a newborn, and my dad put off heart surgery so my mom could stay with me while I studied. So, you know, lots of pressure. And this time, the stakes aren't as high since I'm already practicing law and the kind of law that I like.
But the main reason is the whole flashback thing. Every time I open a book or answer a question, I'm flooded with memories of our house in North Carolina, looking out the back windows at the huge green canopy of trees, being 9 months pregnant with Ellie, sitting on the couch with a dog on either side, listening to a lecture, watching the Tour De France with my mom each day before cracking open a book, and on and on. And of course then I find myself remembering how alone I was before my mom got there, Joe in Iraq (where he's headed again), a little tiny baby who changed my life, and so on.
Overall, I'm so much happier than I was five years ago. I wish I could explain how much giving birth changed how I view myself. I just felt broken and like such a failure post-miscarriage. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it was huge. And I was so angry. I wanted nothing to do with babies or nurturing or anything soft like that. And then I spent those nine months I was pregnant mostly alone. Joe was deployed and I really turned inward. But inward at that point meant Ellie - I didn't know her yet, but I had this amazing baby growing inside me and it saved me. I don't know - I suppose it sounds kind of hokey, but I really think that having Ellie brought me back to who I was. Now, five years later, I feel like me again. Life is way more chaotic and messy, but I like it. And passing the bar or not passing won't change that. Which is maybe why I'm having such a hard time focusing. But I really don't want to not pass so I guess I need to get cracking.
But the main reason is the whole flashback thing. Every time I open a book or answer a question, I'm flooded with memories of our house in North Carolina, looking out the back windows at the huge green canopy of trees, being 9 months pregnant with Ellie, sitting on the couch with a dog on either side, listening to a lecture, watching the Tour De France with my mom each day before cracking open a book, and on and on. And of course then I find myself remembering how alone I was before my mom got there, Joe in Iraq (where he's headed again), a little tiny baby who changed my life, and so on.
Overall, I'm so much happier than I was five years ago. I wish I could explain how much giving birth changed how I view myself. I just felt broken and like such a failure post-miscarriage. I don't know why it hit me so hard, but it was huge. And I was so angry. I wanted nothing to do with babies or nurturing or anything soft like that. And then I spent those nine months I was pregnant mostly alone. Joe was deployed and I really turned inward. But inward at that point meant Ellie - I didn't know her yet, but I had this amazing baby growing inside me and it saved me. I don't know - I suppose it sounds kind of hokey, but I really think that having Ellie brought me back to who I was. Now, five years later, I feel like me again. Life is way more chaotic and messy, but I like it. And passing the bar or not passing won't change that. Which is maybe why I'm having such a hard time focusing. But I really don't want to not pass so I guess I need to get cracking.
